Feel free to offer up your own awards by commenting on this post. I hope everyone has themselves a great 24 hours of A Christmas Story, a great Christmas, some tasty food, not too many bellyaches, some useful presents, and a Happy Chanukah as well.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
A Christmas Story of Awards
It is Christmas Eve (soon to be Christmas) and to honor everyone's favorite Christmas Classic, A Christmas Story, I will give out my year-end awards with regards to Ralphie and his world.
The Leg Lamp Smash Award:
Did the old man really think that he would be able to get away with showcasing his beloved leg lamp in his window for all of Cleveland Street to see? He had to know that one day soon his "major award" would come to a major downfall. The Eagles were just playing too well. We were running the ball like a normal team. We were beating the teams we were supposed to beat, and even ones we weren't (the Giants). All we had to do was win our two last games. We were looking forward to playing the Cowgirls next sunday to decide our playoff berth. We shouldn't be concerned the the Redskins. Losers of 5 of their last 6? The self-proclaimed "worst coach in the world" in Jim Zorn? Come on. We went down to the basement to play with that dadgummit, blasted, stupid furnace. As soon as we got into our fight with the furnace, Andy Reid decided to play the part of Ralphie's mom. He picked up his water can and smiled a sly smile and walked to the living room. Sure, he wants his team to grow emotionally and intellectually. Why not pour some water on them to further their growth? While "watering" his team he accidentally smashes the leg lamp. And with the lamp goes the Eagles' playoff hopes.
The Aunt Clara's Bunny Costume Award:
Sunday, November 23, 2008. Andy Reid brings in Kevin Kolb to replace Donovan McNabb. Philadelphia freaks out. ESPN freaks out. The sports world freaks out. Is the McNabb era finally over? Is this is how it is going to end? Yep, Ralphie has to wear the costume. We are forced to see our beloved protagonist wear an energizer bunny costume - the same 9-year-old who we see as a cowboy brandishing Red Ryder's peace-maker in his kitchen. Frankly, it is demeaning. Ralphie barely has time to say a word before the old man asks him if he wants to take it off. Andy Reid gives Kolb 2 quarters of misery before pulling the plug. McNabb comes back in and leads the team to victory three straight weeks. Ralphie gets his BB Gun.
The You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Award:
This is presented to Andre Iguodala. Rather than taking that step forward that we all expected after the great second half run the Sixers had last year, Iggy melted away in the playoffs. No matter though. Iggy was able to shoot our eyes out - it became hard to watch - and come up with a great icicle lie to keep his days in Philly for 5 more years, just as Ralphie was able to keep his BB-Gun. One new contract later, Iggy has continued to shoot our eyes out, it becomes more painful to watch each and every day. Congratulations to Andre Iguodala.
The Ooohhh Fudge Award:
Here's to Chase Utley. "World Champions.
World FUDGING Champions!" Only he didn't say fudge. He said
the word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the
F-dash-dash-dash word. But as Utley later said, kids shouldn't curse, but if they are 29 and won the World Series, they can say that (and just to clarify, it wasn't Ralphie's fault that the nuts and bolts went flying everywhere. His dad knocked them out of his hand).
The Scut Farkus Affair Award:
If the sports Gods are Scut Farkus, Ralphie is our Phillies. Scut Farkus has been the Penguins, Devils, Red Wings, Patriots, Cowboys, Mets, Marlins, Rockies, Lakers, Pistons, etc. over the years. The Phillies finally stood up to Scott Farkus and looked him in his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes. SO HELP ME GOD YELLOW EYES! The Phillies beat the odds after Johan Santana was brought to New York to bring the Mets back to the top. They beat the unbeatable C.C. Sabathia with the most crushing grand slam in Phillies history. They beat the Dodgers with an entire team effort, capped by the moment Matt Stairs drove the ball deep into right field - also the moment blood was drawn by Ralphie from Scut's nose. And they beat the team of destiny when Ralphie raised his Red Ryder BB Gun in his living room - the World Series Trophy in Citizens Bank Park.
The It's a beautiful turkey, it really is, but it's smiling at me Award:
Alexander Ovechkin had himself one hell of a year. A year for the record books. 65 goals. Good job. But as soon as the playoffs started and every analyst possible picked Alexander the Great and his Capitals to win the series, a fire was lit under the Flyers. By the time game 7 rolled around, they had enough of Ovechkin's toothless smile. "It's a beautiful turkey, it really is, but it's smiling at me..." said thousands of Philadelphians. Joffrey Lupul and the Flyers listened carefully, took a knife and chopped that Turkey's heads off. Montreal Canadians, here we come.
The Bumpass's Dogs Award and the But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE Award:
To the Penguins and Flyers respectively. Game 5 of the 2008 NHL Eastern Conference Finals. The Penguins had picked at our turkey for days. They took little bits of it while we were out of the room tending to BB Gun shot out eyes.
Then we sat down to read the paper. We should relax right? We just won game 4 in convincing fashion, a 4-2 win. The Bumpass's dogs came in while we were reading the paper and scored a quick goal or two. Did we notice? No, we continue to read the paper. Then the rest of the Bumpass's Dogs come in and tear the turkey apart. We get torn apart to the tune of 6-0 and that is the end of the Flyers season. While we may have been introduced to Chinese Turkey, we didn't get all of those damn delicious leftovers.
The Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra Award:
To Tadahito Iguchi, So Taguchi, and Arron Asham.
The Santa Boot in the face Award: To injury prone and career loser, Elton Brand. Baron Davis decides to sign with the Clippers, seemingly to play with one of the best power forwards in the game. One would not just sign with the Clippers for fun, it just doesn't happen. Brand puts on Santa's shiny black boot and kicks the franchise in the face. He signs with the Sixers and a few months later he finds himself in that poofy pool of fluff that Ralphie finds himself in. The injury bug has kicked him in the face with that same boot. Ho! Ho! Ho! Not so jolly.